Galen, CCL, and I went to a nude beach a few weeks ago. It was too weird for me.
As payment for an 80GB ipod that my brother doesn't want anymore, he made me write this (soon-to-be) wikipedia article on our iguana Frisky. For those of you who don't know, I have a 13-year-old green iguana. My brother and I have been fabricating his life story since I was 8 years old. Aaron will be editing this a bit, but as it stands:
"Frisky Smellings Iguana was born from an imported egg originating in Venezuela, or perhaps Peru (these early origins are based mostly on speculation since the documentation was lost in the diaspora) and brought to Westwood, NJ to Petland Discounts on June 1, 1996. This prized specimen of an egg hatched into a glorious green iguana, biologically female but male-gendered.
An 8-year-old girl was picking out a companion for her birthday present with her mother, and it was her mother’s choosing that Frisky came to be a friend, residing in Closter, NJ. Her mother had severe allergies to fur and feathers so reptiles were the only feasible option. The little girl did not mind. At first, the young girl chose a larger iguana, but her mother insisted that a smaller lizard would be better suited for their home (not realizing an iguana’s capacity to grow). The smaller reptile was who we now know as Frisky.
While waiting in the checkout line, Frisky jumped out of the little girls hands onto a woman purchasing dog biscuits, and insisted he be named “Speedy”. Her mother suggested that she pick a better vocabulary word, and thus, “Frisky” was chosen.
Frisky was born into brotherhood with Iggy, a sagely male iguana living with the family before Frisky moved in. Iggy died too young (cause of death unknown). Frisky has 4 pets; a family of two males and two females who maintain food and clean-up daily waste deposits. Sadly, one of them left to live his dream of becoming Japanese.
In 1998 Frisky was effectively potty-trained. This was the same year he began his studies at Noah’s Arc Day Care through College and Extremities, a world class institution of education geared towards non-humans of all shapes, sizes, genders, creeds, ethnicities, religion, family, genus, and species. In addition to the general college preparatory studies, Noah’s Arc also offers schools of Business, Law, Medicine, and conservatories of Arts, Film, Music, and Theater. Frisky and Iggy began in Miss Mimi’s pre-school course, studying the complexities of neuroscience and astrophysics. Frisky was always a bit behind, however, favoring licking freshly paw/finger-painted art projects, eating glue, and staring at the walls in bewilderment.
The little girl always stood up for Frisky’s intelligence, however, but on one Tuesday afternoon in 1999, Frisky confused Miss Mimi for a piece of wrapper-slice Kraft American single cheese and devoured her whole, despite the fact that Miss Mimi was not cheese, but rather a blue whale.
Iggy’s post-mortem times led to Cornelius Australian Bearded Deagon to join the family’s residence in Closter. Cornelius spent his few years eating crickets and mealworms silly to the point of causing his own early death.
Another pivotal moment in Frisky’s youth was the emergence of the 1979 O’Reilly gang at Noah’s Arc, fast-forwarded via a time machine created by Frisky’s later adopted younger brother, EggHead Australian Bearded Dragon-Zelnik. EggHead was wise beyond his years, a Ren Höek or “The Brain” (Animaniacs), or Stephen Hawking (but not disabled), if you will, who consistently bullied Frisky but was brilliant in that mad-scientist-sort-of-way. The O’Reilly Gang consisted of 6 blue-bottomed orangatangs who would tease Frisky at Noah’s Arc, repeatedly forcing “Awful Waffles” ala Salute Your Shorts and even once acted out a scene of “A Christmas Story” and made Frisky lick a pole in the middle of the winter. They had no mercy for his cold-blooded species-status. EggHead, the good brother he was, always stood up for Frisky and fended off the O’Reilly gang as best as he could.
During EggHead's late genius days approaching Y2K, he and Frisky constructed a uniquely impenetrable bomb shelter beneath the basement of the family's home in NJ. The shelter not only protected against standard nuclear attacks, but also against biological warfare and even pesky neighbors who would attempt solace by knocking on the door (EggHead designed the shelter to be completely soundproof). Inside, the walls were lined with assorted fish tanks, slip and slides, warmed heat lamps and heating pads, a sense of daytime created through artificial flourescent lights, a world class kitchen stocked with assorted organic, locally grown fruits and vegetables, a cricket and mealworm pantry, and a giant pool (chlorine free, as not to irritate the scales).
One day, unfortunately, Frisky was playing around with the world-class kitchen located inside the shelter and somehow created the large hadron corrider that ultimately destroyed all remains of the glorious bomb shelter. Apparently, it was only indestructable from the outside in, not the other way around. There were no deaths or injuries in the process, aside from a few measly goldfish that imploded upon contact.
EggHead and Frisky had many adventures, but unfortunately EggHead passed away some years later due to kidney failure. The family mourned his death.
A few years later, the mother realized her allergies were no more and the family adopted Frisky’s arch nemesis to this day: Paris Poodle. Paris is a 65 pound brown standard poodle with an appetite for destruction who wants nothing more then to chow down on iguana with a side of a brillo-pad-underwear-rice pilaf.
Before Paris entered the picture, the family’s home was Frisky’s domain. He would spend long afternoons finding the best secret places to hide, be it in the hamper or inside Dad’s fold-out couch (he hid for 3 days! That sneaky guy!). Once Paris arrived, Frisky was forced to stay in his habitat aside from supervised trips behind closed doors, avoiding Paris. One day Frisky somehow found his way out of his habitat. Mom came home and saw blood on the floor, no Frisky to be found and thought the worst had happened. Instead, she found Frisky basking in the sun in Dad’s office (on top of the fold-out couch) and Paris with a bloody nose. Frisky had successfully defended himself.
A new adopted sister arrived about two years later: a runt of a standard poodle, Lady Peach, cream-colored, ditzy, but loving. Fortunately, Lady Peach simply doesn’t care about Frisky at all, which suggests a sad detachment on an emotional level but safety from bodily harm from Frisky’s point of view.
Frisky, Lady Peach, Paris, and the family continue to live somewhat peacefully today in New Jersey. Frisky still attends Noah’s Arc (his learning struggles make graduation a challenge to look towards, but he still works hard eating bananas and getting watered daily like a plant before school by a water spritzer)."
This was taken in January 2008 when I went to visit Aaron in Japan (he lives there and is never coming home). I think this accurately represents us.